Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
