I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Say something about gay babies.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize