I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
