you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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