from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
