when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize