I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
