Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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