nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
