I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
