so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
