I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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