My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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