So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
