So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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