I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
