Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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