He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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