You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize