dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
