i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
