I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just cropdusted the office
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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