i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
