I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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