So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
