Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
