I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
