remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
