The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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