it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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