$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You've changed since you got that strap on
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
