we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize