And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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