listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
