I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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