so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
