i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
