I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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