a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize