im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
