According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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