I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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