Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
