miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
