don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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