i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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