WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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