So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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