True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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