the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nutella sex= disaster
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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