Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
