so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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