3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
