Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
