Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize