this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
