he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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