I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
