no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
