At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
