fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize