as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
