Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
