I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
