Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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