you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
