I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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