Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
