I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is Oprah even human
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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