Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
