I look better un-naked...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
