Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
