all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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