ya dads aren't the best wingmen
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
