Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
