miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
