What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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