I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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